“Yeah, I saw them way back in ______, they were just starting out. Now everyone’s into them.”
“I’m into a lot of post-_______ and _______-_______, a lot of bands you’ve probably never heard of.”
“[Legendary pioneer of a genre/style] is so overrated.”
“You listen to .mp3’s? Jesus, how primitive. Get on .FLAC/vinyl while I still have an ounce of respect for you.”
”________________ is so 2006.”
“[Genre]? That band is so NOT [genre] at all. Have you even HEARD them?”
“Ugh, I’m so over ______________ ever since they were on Gossip Girl.”
“You like ____________, ___________ and ______________? Such mindlessly simple music.”
“No, you’re a hipster.”
“Oh, you’re into _________________ too? Have you heard their [incredibly rare possibly non-existent bootleg/demo/alternate take]? No? I have like all that stuff. It’s so good. I’ll send it to you. [I won’t send it to you.]”
“I have like 86 gigs of music, but it’s not a big deal or anything.”
DAVID:
Silversun Pickups is an American Indie Rock band famous for the effeminate, whiny vocals of Brian Aubert which fits, if you think about it, the whiny lyrics he sings. Sometimes, when I am bored with good music, I will imagine what it would sound like if the happy-go-lucky rock of the 90's met the downward spiral self loathing alternative rock of the present; I think Swoon, the band's second album, gives us the answer. It is Blink 182 meets Saddle Creek.
ALEX:
I dunno if I'd go so far as to compare them to Blink 182, but Swoon is definitely bland and blurred together. Songs are hardly distinguishing from one another, each one feeling like a contrived attempt to recreate the success surrounding their first single, Lazy Eye. Each song just ends up sounding like a slightly tweaked version of the one before, the guitar's power chords trudging along with choppy 4/4 drums and a bass following the guitar's example simply hitting the root note for every chord. The only times any song got slightly interesting or stood out from the others for me was when synths and strings were inserted as padding, breaking up the monotony of the same ol same ol guitar/bass/drums backing.
DAVID:
I guess the only thing I can say is that I just don't like their sound. Perhaps they are good at what they do, maybe they are fine musicians and maybe the singer has something to say, but I won't be listening.
ALEX:
I will say this though -- I was legitimately surprised after seeing a music video that the lead singer was a guy. I'm not saying this to just say it, I was actually seriously surprised that this person was a dude. There's this affectation in his voice that screams "I really want to be like _____ and sound like _________" but I can't fill in the blanks. All I hear is that he is really really conscious of how his voice is coming out and is aiming for this awkward, turtle-ish cutesy whispermoan. A turtle in is what comes to mind; or maybe, a gerbil. I'm not sure.
When I was a child my father had to teach me the proper way for a man to cross his legs. I crossed them, he said, like a broad. The same went for the way I looked at my nails, I held my fingers out, stretched apart, under close scrutiny. In high school I was the product of my generation and, like most teenage boys, wore bitch pants and sometimes, just sometimes, red fingernail polish. I like to believe that most of those rather queer style choices are in the past, though sometimes I still catch myself crossing my legslike a broad and there is always a pair of bitch pants in my closet waiting to be brought back out to the light but for the most part, I have rid myself of those questionable characterstics that did nothing but raise eyebrows. One, however, still and always will remain: my guilty pleasure in music. I enjoy the sort of music that only women should listen to and sometimes only the kind of women who have just had their hearts broken. I listen to it and, if no one is around, I sing to it. These are ten of my favorite songs which no man should own.
Grammy-nominated multi-instrumentalist Katy Perry has broken into the pop charts at a rapid pace since her emergence in late 2007 with the digital EP featuring “Ur So Gay.” This article is for the rest of us looking for pointers on achieving the widespread success artists such as Katy Perry enjoy. So grab a pen and paper, get ready to take some notes and really take these tips to heart.
So you’ve made the plunge into the Christian music business. It’s a lucrative business model and a solid outlet for expressing your faith, and your pastor parents are very supportive and ecstatic. Your 2001 Christian pop album featuring such songs as “Faith Won’t Fail” received modest success among the Gospel market. However, you have realized God music does not sell as much as boner music, and that’s okay. Sometimes Faith does Fail, and when it does, it’s totally hot and rad and stuff.
Of course, if you are going to take a dip into the mainstream pop market, something needs to distinguish your music from the others — some thing has to get you noticed — some type of buzz-garnering gimmick. A gimmick such as homosexuality. Homosexuality and bisexuality are, at best, an earnest method at which to gain boners and giggles across the world. Much like feigning lesbian interaction for attention at high school after-prom parties, references to such behavior can gain attention on the pop charts as well. However, make sure to include distinct references to the fact that you really are straight, you were just “curious.” Actual lesbianism is icky gross, so, like, but it’s hot, you know.
If anyone questions the subject matter of the song, assure them the song is about appreciating “the magical beauty of a woman.” Immediately follow the statement with “no, seriously.”
Additionally, make sure to use the word ‘gay’ not as a sexual orientation, but as a major diss. It’s like saying someone’s lame, except they like it in the butt, so lol. Don’t worry about those losers who claim you’re promoting homophobia and the negative stereotyping of the homosexual community — they’re just super gay and totally won’t admit it.
PROTIP #3: Lyrics are like the things in your head that you think and then say
Having trouble writing lyrics? It’s okay, it’s hard. Try to think of lyrics more as things you’d say to your friends on AIM when you totally find out via Facebook that that bitch is kinda flirting with Sam when you totally said you had the hots for him first. Freeform writing will achieve the best results; write the first thing that comes in to your mind. For example, “You PMS like a bitch I would know” — alternatively, you can go for the jugular with “you’re so sad maybe you should buy a happy meal.” Both exhibit inevitable truth well-known by all junior high students, enhancing the accessibility of your music.
If you find your lyrics are lacking, hire a legendary songwriter such as Max Martin, writer of hits for the Backstreet Boys, N*SYNC, Britney Spears, and P!nk. However, only allow him to write lyrics for a portion, such as a well-written, consistent, catchy chorus. The contrast between his lyrics and your lyrics shouldn’t be too apparent and more than likely will not highlight any flaws in your songwriting skills — but if anyone suggests so, they are more than likely just super gay.
PROTIP #4: Product Placement = BUCK$$$
In this day and age, profits for musicians are shrinking and shrinking. Despite #1 Billboard hits in more than 22 countries and an album with Gold status in the US with more than 1.2 million copies sold worldwide, sometimes just a little more profit is needed to make ends meet. There are many subtle and effective ways to go about this, but the coolest is product placement. Not only does it gain the big bucks, but most viewers are so like dumb and stuff they won’t even notice. So really, why not do it? Nobody will know. It’s common practice for singer-songwriters with any integrity, such as Britney, Madonna and Christina.
Hopefully these protips will help you achieve your dreams in worldwide success like the adorable, bicurious (but not really ick lol) Katy Perry. Employing these tips, you too can achieve #1 singles across the globe, averting the damage from your wallet to your character and reputation instead.
Harry Nilsson, often credited simply as ‘Nilsson’, was an American singer-songwriter who is mostly known for such hits at ‘Everybody’s Talkin’, the song featured in the 1969 film Midnight Cowboy, or the playful tune ‘Coconut’, rumoured to be about abortion, which was parodied in the infamous Coca-Cola ad.
His style was eclectic and it is not uncommon for the fans of one album to be the critics of another. He had covered many hits, in his own way, from the melodramatic rendition of Badfinger’s Without You to his piano driven take on Three Dog Night’s One. His own lyrics were often blunt and crass, if not also laced with a dark, cynical humor that was not appreciated by his more conservative following who enjoyed his take on classics such as “As Times Goes Bye” and “Over the Rainbow”.
I suppose all that needs to be said about Harry Nilsson can be found in this short anecdote:
Once, during an interview, John Lennon was asked who he considers to be the greatest living American musican.
Nilsson, he replied.
The interviewer turned and asked Paul McCartney the same question.
Nilsson, he replied.
Harry Nilsson covered plenty of the Beatles material and even recorded once or twice with John Lennon.
Despite being notoriously shy, which lead to very few live performances, Nilsson broke out of his comfort zone, shortly after Lennon was shot and killed, to speak in favor of stricter gun laws and regulations.
In 1994 he died of a heart attack.
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Best Song: 1941 (Semi-Autobiographical track which mirrors his own story of abandonment with the opening lines ‘well, in 1941 the happy father had a son and in 1944 the father walked right out the door’)
Best Album: Harry (Okay, maybe not his BEST album but definitely the best album to start out with. It introduces the listener to what makes Harry Nilsson unique without overstaying its welcome.)
Last October, Kid Rock topped the charts with his first release in 4 years, modestly titled Rock N’ Roll Jesus. The self-proclaimed music deity instantly hit #1 with the album on the Billboard 200 chart. The current single, “All Summer Long,” swooped into the Billboard Hot 100, eventually reaching #1, certified platinum by the RIAA. The second single, “Amen,” reached #11 on mainstream rock and #27 on Modern Rock stations.
Clearly we have some learning to do from Mr. Rock, so I’ve analyzed the “All Summer Long” hit single along with the second single, “Amen” and I’ve come up with some Protips to live by to achieve success. NOTE: For a context to these tips/maximum learning potential, I recommend view the videos first.
CHAPTER 1: WEREWOLVES IN LONDON SWEET HOME ALABAMA ALL SUMMER LONG
PROTIP1: Efficiency. Don’t waste your time writing a chord progression or anything like that. Take two memorable hooks from classic rock hits and combine them. One’s your verse, the other’s the chorus. Efficient, time-saving, and technically upon release your song is already two classic songs. Bam.
PROTIP2: Rhyme only when convenient. For example, rhyming “things” with “things.” No specific scheme needed; again, timewaster.
PROTIP4: Audience relation should always be at the forefront of a songwriter’s mind. It’s important to write a song with the intention of making the audience rise up with fists in the air and proclaim: A) “YEAH!” B) “HELL YEAH!” C) “AMERICA!” D) “I AGREE/SYMPATHIZE WITH THESE STATEMENTS!”
Examples of statements which stir listeners to these actions: A) starving kids dying in Africa B) soldiers dying in the Middle East C) just let me smoke my weed
Showing various everyday American families in their natural territory also boosts up the “HELL YEAH” count.
Fact: The number of “HELL YEAH”s is directly translatable into iTunes purchase stats.
PROTIP5: Ensure listeners that despite your blasphemous album title, you are a man of faith. Example: “God damnit, I’m scared to send my children to church.”
PROTIP6: Showing 9/11 = 5 additional spot-boosts up the Billboard charts. If you don’t see the chart boost occur within 5-7 business days please contact Toby Keith at 1-800-AMERICA.
That’s all I’ve got for Kid Rock Protips, but hopefully I’ve helped you learn how to achieve fuller success and gain the status of the son of God, musically.
