Grammy-nominated multi-instrumentalist Katy Perry has broken into the pop charts at a rapid pace since her emergence in late 2007 with the digital EP featuring “Ur So Gay.” This article is for the rest of us looking for pointers on achieving the widespread success artists such as Katy Perry enjoy. So grab a pen and paper, get ready to take some notes and really take these tips to heart.
So you’ve made the plunge into the Christian music business. It’s a lucrative business model and a solid outlet for expressing your faith, and your pastor parents are very supportive and ecstatic. Your 2001 Christian pop album featuring such songs as “Faith Won’t Fail” received modest success among the Gospel market. However, you have realized God music does not sell as much as boner music, and that’s okay. Sometimes Faith does Fail, and when it does, it’s totally hot and rad and stuff.
Of course, if you are going to take a dip into the mainstream pop market, something needs to distinguish your music from the others — some thing has to get you noticed — some type of buzz-garnering gimmick. A gimmick such as homosexuality. Homosexuality and bisexuality are, at best, an earnest method at which to gain boners and giggles across the world. Much like feigning lesbian interaction for attention at high school after-prom parties, references to such behavior can gain attention on the pop charts as well. However, make sure to include distinct references to the fact that you really are straight, you were just “curious.” Actual lesbianism is icky gross, so, like, but it’s hot, you know.
If anyone questions the subject matter of the song, assure them the song is about appreciating “the magical beauty of a woman.” Immediately follow the statement with “no, seriously.”
Additionally, make sure to use the word ‘gay’ not as a sexual orientation, but as a major diss. It’s like saying someone’s lame, except they like it in the butt, so lol. Don’t worry about those losers who claim you’re promoting homophobia and the negative stereotyping of the homosexual community — they’re just super gay and totally won’t admit it.
PROTIP #3: Lyrics are like the things in your head that you think and then say
Having trouble writing lyrics? It’s okay, it’s hard. Try to think of lyrics more as things you’d say to your friends on AIM when you totally find out via Facebook that that bitch is kinda flirting with Sam when you totally said you had the hots for him first. Freeform writing will achieve the best results; write the first thing that comes in to your mind. For example, “You PMS like a bitch I would know” — alternatively, you can go for the jugular with “you’re so sad maybe you should buy a happy meal.” Both exhibit inevitable truth well-known by all junior high students, enhancing the accessibility of your music.
If you find your lyrics are lacking, hire a legendary songwriter such as Max Martin, writer of hits for the Backstreet Boys, N*SYNC, Britney Spears, and P!nk. However, only allow him to write lyrics for a portion, such as a well-written, consistent, catchy chorus. The contrast between his lyrics and your lyrics shouldn’t be too apparent and more than likely will not highlight any flaws in your songwriting skills — but if anyone suggests so, they are more than likely just super gay.
PROTIP #4: Product Placement = BUCK$$$
In this day and age, profits for musicians are shrinking and shrinking. Despite #1 Billboard hits in more than 22 countries and an album with Gold status in the US with more than 1.2 million copies sold worldwide, sometimes just a little more profit is needed to make ends meet. There are many subtle and effective ways to go about this, but the coolest is product placement. Not only does it gain the big bucks, but most viewers are so like dumb and stuff they won’t even notice. So really, why not do it? Nobody will know. It’s common practice for singer-songwriters with any integrity, such as Britney, Madonna and Christina.
Hopefully these protips will help you achieve your dreams in worldwide success like the adorable, bicurious (but not really ick lol) Katy Perry. Employing these tips, you too can achieve #1 singles across the globe, averting the damage from your wallet to your character and reputation instead.
Last October, Kid Rock topped the charts with his first release in 4 years, modestly titled Rock N’ Roll Jesus. The self-proclaimed music deity instantly hit #1 with the album on the Billboard 200 chart. The current single, “All Summer Long,” swooped into the Billboard Hot 100, eventually reaching #1, certified platinum by the RIAA. The second single, “Amen,” reached #11 on mainstream rock and #27 on Modern Rock stations.
Clearly we have some learning to do from Mr. Rock, so I’ve analyzed the “All Summer Long” hit single along with the second single, “Amen” and I’ve come up with some Protips to live by to achieve success. NOTE: For a context to these tips/maximum learning potential, I recommend view the videos first.
CHAPTER 1: WEREWOLVES IN LONDON SWEET HOME ALABAMA ALL SUMMER LONG
PROTIP1: Efficiency. Don’t waste your time writing a chord progression or anything like that. Take two memorable hooks from classic rock hits and combine them. One’s your verse, the other’s the chorus. Efficient, time-saving, and technically upon release your song is already two classic songs. Bam.
PROTIP2: Rhyme only when convenient. For example, rhyming “things” with “things.” No specific scheme needed; again, timewaster.
PROTIP4: Audience relation should always be at the forefront of a songwriter’s mind. It’s important to write a song with the intention of making the audience rise up with fists in the air and proclaim: A) “YEAH!” B) “HELL YEAH!” C) “AMERICA!” D) “I AGREE/SYMPATHIZE WITH THESE STATEMENTS!”
Examples of statements which stir listeners to these actions: A) starving kids dying in Africa B) soldiers dying in the Middle East C) just let me smoke my weed
Showing various everyday American families in their natural territory also boosts up the “HELL YEAH” count.
Fact: The number of “HELL YEAH”s is directly translatable into iTunes purchase stats.
PROTIP5: Ensure listeners that despite your blasphemous album title, you are a man of faith. Example: “God damnit, I’m scared to send my children to church.”
PROTIP6: Showing 9/11 = 5 additional spot-boosts up the Billboard charts. If you don’t see the chart boost occur within 5-7 business days please contact Toby Keith at 1-800-AMERICA.
That’s all I’ve got for Kid Rock Protips, but hopefully I’ve helped you learn how to achieve fuller success and gain the status of the son of God, musically.
